When you’re too tough for a normal treadmill, the Air Runner is what you need. As Roe Rogan loves to remind people it’s 30% harder than a regular treadmill. This thing gives a savage workout, builds strong legs, and serious cardio. Get tired at home so you don’t get tired in a fight.
Build the functional strength you need for grappling with this monster kettlebell. The handle’s big enough for even the largest hands to hold it double handed. Clean it, press it, and swing it till you’re as strong as an ox.
When the apocalypse happens don’t get caught without the correct pants. These combat trousers from Crye Precision are best pants for any kind of societal breakdown. They’re also pretty good for hunting.
The ultimate Tactical Watch. Built to military standards, with solar power to extend battery life. A kill switch in case you’re captured. Jumpmaster mode, waypoint protection. It even tells the time.
If you want a laptop tough enough you can beat a man to death with it, and then use it to email your condolences to his family then the Toughbook from Panasonic is what you need. It’s great for anyone working on site, or filming and editing in wild places. With a huge 40 hour battery life, and built to withstand a 3 foot drop into a pool of boiling lava, this is the most rugged laptop you’ll find.
Assault Air Bike
Lose some weight fatty. Or just become a cardio machine. It doesn’t matter if your training for a fight or just training to look tight. This is the ultimate air bike for a truly savage workout.
When you’re tired of having a tiny pencil neck, and looking like an orange on a toothpick, then this is the device for you. Build a solid neck in a reasonably amount of time without compressing your neck.
MAGA Hat Zip Tie Combo
The perfect gift for your Q Anon loving, alt right adjacent cousin, or for yourself if insurrection gives you an erection. This handy combo includes a lovely new maga hat, and 100 zip ties. Perfect for your next trip to Washington. Zip Ties and Maga hat actually sold separately.
Because quite frankly barbed wire is for pussies. If you’re serious about keeping people out of your bunker then you’re gonna need rolls and rolls of this razory goodness. Not effective against virus crazed loons or zombies.
Should you and 299 of your fellow Spartans ever be set upon by a countless horde of Persians, then this Greek Spear is the perfect weapon. It’s also great for hunting polar bear (not strictly legal). Just don’t miss as you only get one chance with a bear.