Is it a hat, is it a knife? It’s fucking both. Never be without a knife when you’re feeling stabby again. The Bill Blade is a kit that quickly ruins your favorite hat by attaching a knife to it. The perfect gift for the pirate who has everything.
Keep your ill gotten gains safe with the Trezor Model T Bitcoin wallet. Whether your a real Somalian pirate or the Dread Pirate Roberts, these days you don’t bury your treasure you store it on the blockchain. The Trezor Model T is a great way to do that just don’t lose it on a drunken night out. #Bitcoin.
Most boat cars are stupid. But not the Aquada, it’ll do 100mph on land and 30mph on the water. It takes less than 5 seconds to go from car to boat and the same to back again. Like a superhero changing into his alter ego in seconds. This a boat car you can use to commute to the office every day.
The picture show Richard Branson driving the Aquada across the English Channel to France. It’s the perfect vehicle for smugglers, pirates, and metrosexual men who enjoy water sports.
The Triton 3300-6 will take you and 5 of your fellow pirates to a depth of 1000m in luxury. It doesn’t come with torpedo tubes but I’m sure you could mount a spear gun on it. It goes deep enough you can hunt a colossal squid, just make sure it doesn’t hunt you.
If you’ve always wanted to be inside a shark (But not in a sexual way) Then this personal submarine is just what you need. It’ll do 55mph on the surface and a little less when you dive. But you can make it jump right out of the water. This thing is way more savage than any pussy ass jetski. The perfect gift for the pirate who has everything.
Bruce Lee famously said be like water. But that was then, now you can be like a shark instead.
The perfect gift for your Q Anon loving, alt right adjacent cousin, or for yourself if insurrection gives you an erection. This handy combo includes a lovely new maga hat, and 100 zip ties. Perfect for your next trip to Washington. Zip Ties and Maga hat actually sold separately.
Perfect for pirates and ninjas alike. These superbly balanced blades make a great present for young children ,as the have extra sharp edges and are absolutely lethal.
Fuck paintball. Shoot pepper spray pellets instead. This CO2 powered pistol fires paintball like pellets that release a cloud or pepper spray on impact. Giving you the ability to exert non lethal force to deter your mother-in-law from approaching at a greater distance. Also useful for prison guards and law enforcement.
Take perps down before they get close with the BolaWrap. This fires a thin but strong rope with tiny grappling hooks on each end. It effectively wraps around your targets arms or legs, safely incapacitating them while you restrain them. Perfect for Law Enforcement or safety conscious pirates.
Don’t put this phone to your ear or you’re likely to blow it off. The Ideal Conceal is a double barrelled derringer pistol, that folds away to look like a smartphone, and easily fits in your pocket. Check your state’s concealed weapon restrictions before you make a purchase – or move to a state that actually values freedom and buy what you damn well please.