Is it a hat, is it a knife? It’s fucking both. Never be without a knife when you’re feeling stabby again. The Bill Blade is a kit that quickly ruins your favorite hat by attaching a knife to it. The perfect gift for the pirate who has everything.
Big Game Blowgun
Only a pussy uses a bow to hunt a bear. True savages use a blowgun. That’s right imagine staring down an angry bear, armed with nothing more than a flute, a knitting needle and a huge set of balls. That’s basically big game blowgun hunting in a nutshell.
Whether your travelling for business, pleasure or terror, sometimes you need a bag big enough to hold your bomb, your gun, a very large knife and a kilo of Columbia’s finest. This is just such a bag. With a handy drawstring top, and a neutral colour that will go with any outfit it’s perfect for the fashion conscious terrorist, or drug smugglers who need to look their best.
Keep your ill gotten gains safe with the Trezor Model T Bitcoin wallet. Whether your a real Somalian pirate or the Dread Pirate Roberts, these days you don’t bury your treasure you store it on the blockchain. The Trezor Model T is a great way to do that just don’t lose it on a drunken night out. #Bitcoin.
100mph Boat Car
Most boat cars are stupid. But not the Aquada, it’ll do 100mph on land and 30mph on the water. It takes less than 5 seconds to go from car to boat and the same to back again. Like a superhero changing into his alter ego in seconds. This a boat car you can use to commute to the office every day.
The picture show Richard Branson driving the Aquada across the English Channel to France. It’s the perfect vehicle for smugglers, pirates, and metrosexual men who enjoy water sports.
The Triton 3300-6 will take you and 5 of your fellow pirates to a depth of 1000m in luxury. It doesn’t come with torpedo tubes but I’m sure you could mount a spear gun on it. It goes deep enough you can hunt a colossal squid, just make sure it doesn’t hunt you.
Personal Shark Submarine
If you’ve always wanted to be inside a shark (But not in a sexual way) Then this personal submarine is just what you need. It’ll do 55mph on the surface and a little less when you dive. But you can make it jump right out of the water. This thing is way more savage than any pussy ass jetski. The perfect gift for the pirate who has everything.
Bruce Lee famously said be like water. But that was then, now you can be like a shark instead.
Concept 2 Rower
Row till you throw and then row some more. Perfect for building ridiculous cardio and full body strength. This machine is the devil itself and it can take you to hell and back. If you’re a pussy you can just row gently for fitness. But this is the machine used for world indoor rowing records. If you can do 2000m in under 6 minutes you are a beast.
When shit hits the fan and you need to head for the hills you’ll be glad you’ve got this US Army issue Rucksack. It’ll carry up to 120 pounds, and is designed to last a lifetime. It’s seriously heavy duty. Perfect for carrying large amounts of ammunition deep into the wilderness.
100mph+ Pitching Machine
It’ll throw the speedball by you, make you look like a fool. The Hack Attack is a commercial quality pitching machine. It’ll fire that ball in at over 100mph. It’ll also throw curveballs, and pretty much anything else you want. There’s a conversion kit available to make it throw softballs as well if you have a daughter.